Theory on Societal Narcissism
I have read, although I don’t know if it is actually true or not, that the mother-daughter relationship is the most important relationship of all human relationships. Men are expected to break away from their mothers and very often have no relationship whatsoever with their fathers. Women often have rocky relationships with their mothers, but very rarely do they break the relationship because women so heavily identify with their mothers. (Men identify with their fathers, but not with the same intensity women identify with their mothers.)
Yet, more and more you hear about women in the U.S. who no longer speak with their mothers and it is almost always blamed on the fact that the mother places too many demands on the behavior of her daughter so the daughter has to break all bonds in order to cut the apron strings.
I think there may be a historical basis for this issue and I think it might also explain why narcissism is becoming such a widespread societal problem.
Before the industrial revolution, both men and women raised the children because most men worked at home. The image of women as stern but angelic caretakers of children arose with the industrial revolution when men had to go to work and were no longer home to help raise the children. (The view of children had also drastically changed.) The American Government under Roosevelt created a sort of “angel in the home” campaign which was an attempt to make women feel compelled to be the sole care-takers of the household. This was how society was to be held together while men left home to work in the factories.
This is from Theodore Roosevelt’s famous speech “On American Motherhood” (1905):
The woman’s task is not easy—no task worth doing is easy—but in doing it, and when she has done it, there shall come to her the highest and holiest joy known to mankind; and having done it, she shall have the reward prophesied in Scripture; for her husband and her children, yes, and all people who realize that her work lies at the foundation of all national happiness and greatness, shall rise up and call her blessed.
Motherhood took on romantic angelic images as a way to make good servants out of women so society could enter into the industrial age with as little disruption as possible. Get the women to take over the duties of the household and the fact that men are no longer at home to share in the workload won’t disrupt society.
So what happens to women who don’t want to be stuck in this role but have been convinced that it is their godly duty to fulfill it? They put a lot of the stress for household duty on their daughters. This is because the only control many mothers felt they had at the turn of the century was over their children - especially their daughters. If the mother had bought into the “angel in the kitchen” idealism, then it was very likely she was going to repress self-expression in her daughters at a very young age. If this is done early enough, narcissistic disorders are very likely to develop. And what happens when mothers with narcissistic disorders raise children? They tend to repress self-expression in their own children and their children grow up with heavy amounts of narcissism, too. Families of narcissists often appear to be extremely well-behaved because the children believe that if anything goes wrong, it is the fault of the child, not the parent. The child is made to believe the narcissistic parent has it all together and this compels compliant behavior. (Compliance is gained by making the child feel worthless unless he complies rather than being gained through a development of mutual respect.)
C.S. Lewis, Huston Smith, Richard Rohr and many other theologians I’ve read claim that Fundamentalism is a product of the industrial revolution. It wasn’t until the industrial revolution that Christianity became a factual, mechanized religion to be marketed. In that fundamentalism tends to see everything as an extension of itself, fundamentalism is also highly narcissistic. It’s not the religion or belief system that is problematic, it’s the people who don’t comply with it. If you do not believe that Jesus is the Son of God in a very specific way, you will be sent to Hell by a very narcissistic God who carries on like a 6 year old when he doesn’t get the compliant behavior he demands.
It’s really difficult for kids to break out of narcissistic families because they feel that they are betraying their family through their non-compliance. I imagine this is what it is like for a lot of fundamentalist Christians, too. You start making that break with your religion and you are told you are horrible, no good, worthless, and evil. I had a similar but somewhat less intense experience breaking with conservative mainstream Christianity. But I think the same is true of people who are raised atheist who join a church when they get older. They are heavily chastised for it and sometimes considered “evil” for becoming religious. (Fundamentalist atheism.)
Sam Keen says that with the industrial revolution, we ceased being homo-sapians. Homo-sapiens are creatures who look for wisdom and knowledge to explain their being. With the industrial revolution, we became homo-faber- makers of things. Now we are homo-economicus and are dominated by ideas of onward, and upward (which is a secularized version of the utopianistic ideals in religion - we want to believe we are safe). As Allen Callahan points out, the current onward upward mentality is a sort of greed that is at the expense of unprecedented numbers of people. There have never been so many displaced people in the history of humanity. And it’s getting worse.
An inner journey almost always turns you away from what your family or your culture tells you which involves a certain amount of suffering. We don’t want to accept the absurdity of what it is we have bought into because it feels like a loss of innocence. We think of that as negative and avoid it. We’d rather act out the culturally accepted norms than to become who it is we are because that is much more comfortable than going against the culture. But if we don’t become who it is we are, we are likely going to create our own destruction.
